Could this be why it's hard to find advice that makes us happy? And how to decide...

We evolved to consider someone's goals BEFORE we take their input

I’m going against the wave of advice on Substack.

It says that the way to be successful is to solve a problem for your readers. But I don't want to solve a problem for you.

I want to help you power up so you can solve your own problems - that’s what my advice is designed to help you do.

Does that match with what you want?

It feels presumptuous to think that I know what your problem is or can figure out your solution for your unique talents and gifts.

I think only you can figure that out — and this article can support you to do it.

That’s my goal.

Knowing that is key to deciding whether this is the right advice for you.

Here’s another of my biases: I would love to influence you to do your art with thrifted or recycled materials instead of buying new art supplies.

In this article

• How we evolved to take advice

• I trust you more if I know your goals…because I believe you have them

• Getting honest about what we really think

• Weeding out goals we don't like

• Making peace with our beliefs

• For now, try this…

How we evolved to take advice

As a Paleolithic hunter-gatherer, you might go your whole life only meeting 20 to 50 other adults, ever. People who gave you advice would at least know you, and they probably shared many of your cultural values and references.

You would definitely know their goals, having spent your whole life with these people. This one is a rabble rouser who always wants to get you excited about their project. That one is a malingerer who makes up reasons why doing nothing is fine.

Because you knew them, you could evaluate what they said. Were they even people you wanted to take input from?

I don't think we evolved to take the advice of strangers far away, writing for a general audience…as gospel for our own lives.

When my mom said we should walk to the El Sereno reserve overlook above Los Gatos, CA, I took her advice because she’s a local and knows the kind of walks I like.

I struggle when I receive emails that tell me I should be doing things differently when the sender doesn't even know me. Suggestions are welcome, but mandates, and worse yet, criticism if I don't obey…that's a huge turn-off!

• They don't know about the negative thoughts.

• How hard it is to get up every day.

• How a single conversation with just a few people can leave me overwhelmed by everybody's opinions.

• That I feel calm only if I spend a couple of hours a day outside.

• That, for whatever reason, trying to pick a niche RIGHT NOW feels toxic.

Because six years after tapering off, I'm still dealing with the fallout of 25 years on 14 medications for a mental health condition I didn't have.

I don't want those people to have a say over how I view my work.

Because ultimately, my goal is to write work that helps me heal...and you, too, if you like it.

I trust you more if I know your goals…because I believe you have them

I had to tell my client I thought a key part of her argument didn’t exist.

We were talking about the “Honest Broker” model of science advising and its implication that some people are impartial and just present facts and let their audience decide for themselves.

And I basically said there's no such thing.

When I found this fossil in the Thames River, London, UK, I emailed photos to the paleontology assistant at the Earth Sciences Museum at Cambridge — he offered to identify it, and I know he’ll want to prove his science credentials by getting it right!

Whether they’re aware of it or not, people who suggest that they are unbiased are typically trying to get you to trust them or just buttering up their own self-image.

Which isn't to say they are dishonest. I think most of us feel honest in our own minds. I'm not suggesting we're all secretly lying, horrible, manipulative people trying to get others to do or think what we want.

Except we sort of are – just without the “horrible” part.

And, if I have my way, without the “secretly” part.

Getting honest about what we really think

I recently read a great article on the compulsion to photograph by

Laura Moore | Strange Clarity

in which she wrote, “A core belief of mine is that we aren't very different from our predecessors thousands of years ago.”

(Of course, if you've read much of my work, you know I believe that, too!)

But what I really appreciated was that she highlighted her underlying belief. It felt decent and honest…and also allowed us to evaluate whether we agree.

Reading it, I thought “This! This is what I'm talking about!” I think people trust us more when we are upfront about our beliefs and goals – it doesn’t make you a bad person to have some.

Martin Luther King Jr. did.

Gandhi. Eleanor Roosevelt. Hildegard Von Bingen writing a morality play with 82 songs that elevated the female virtues over the male patriarchs (a radical message in 1151 CE!)

I don't want to pretend that I'm some balanced, impartial saint letting everyone make up their own minds without any influence from me.

Actually, I don't think saints are impartial. I don't think that's what this world needs.

Here are some of my goals…

• I want to encourage us all to change our habits to be kinder to ourselves, each other, and the environment.

• I am trying to heal years of trauma and self-doubt by coming up with reasons that my gifts are good. I am biased towards ideas that say I am valuable.

• I want to be honest about what I think and feel, even if you disagree.

• I would rather act to try to make the world a better place than wring my hands over the state that it's in. And I can't do both.

How did that feel now that you know more about where I’m coming from?

I would investigate more before taking the advice of a motor boat enthusiast on how to sail a beauty like this! (Photo by my mom on San Francisco Bay)

Weeding out agendas we don’t like

People who are trying to get you to be afraid or feel bad are often serving themselves rather than empowering you to make a difference in your own life or the world around you.

You might feel better if you went off and figured out what YOU actually think.

Like “went off excessive social media” or “went off by yourself to detox from everyone else's opinions” or “went off on a rant to discover your real feelings.”

Because if your inner system is telling you that your habits or thoughts are not healthy – you're exhausted, stressed, chronically angry, anxious, burnt out, or feeling like you can't find your real self – you're the one who has to find a better way.

Personally, I don't want to hear from another Inbox Expert who says my results are not good enough. Their goals (to sell their products) don’t match mine (to feel encouraged about what I’m doing).

Maybe we could say “Any eyeballs on your Substack is already good. If you'd like to speed up the learning curve to find more, let me know…”

Not that I'm not selling eyeball advice.

To be honest, I'm not sure I'm selling anything here, yet.

This agenda made me laugh out loud! Such an upper-crust image of “Having it all together.” Plus flying is so stressful that no app could make it feel this calm…

I am not down on making money through writing, but I think that should be a choice.

I also think we should also be able to write to:

• express ourselves

• experiment

• connect with readers

• feel like we don't have to follow rules or fit into boxes to be successful

I want to feel free to enjoy it, whether I make money at it or not.

Making peace with our beliefs

This feels like the kind of stuff I was trained not to say (speaking of input I had no choice about receiving…) But I want it to be okay to say “No, this input is not good for me.”

And I don't need to the permission of a stranger writing from far away who doesn't know me…no matter how much of an expert they might seem to be.

For now, try this…

Step 1: Admit that sometimes we're trying to convince people to think or do what we want.

Actually, I think that might be the purpose of a great deal of human communication.

• I am hurting – I need help.

• I'm panicked about this, and I want you to be, too.

• Buy my stuff.

• I'm hungry. Let's make dinner.

It doesn't make us bad people to have agendas and try to convince others to go along with them.

Freebie from my husband: “You can't be a saint if you don't take sides.”

Step 2: Get honest about what our agendas are…and mention them.

It’s felt like a relief to me to be more honest, and I think people will trust us more when we tell them.

Step 3: Start investigating other people’s agendas, especially if we’re considering taking their advice or letting them influence our mental or emotional states….

Is this advice coming from someone who knows us or at least shares our experiences, values, and goals? Are they invested in our highest good? If not, how can we understand their agenda and tailor their advice to make it fit us…or reject it entirely?

View of Lick Observatory out the airplane window. Can’t see it? Takes an expert to spot the two tiny white dots about 1/3 of the way down, slightly to the left of center. I only noticed them because I’ve spent years examining the view from the hills above my parents’ house. Read more about my mom’s career at Lick HERE.

I would love to hear from you. What is one of your goals?